I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
