I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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