now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
