Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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