I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
