at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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