She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
