i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
