Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
