There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
