This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
