this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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