I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
