Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
