i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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