I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
