shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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