So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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