So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
