I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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