Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's shark week go big or go home
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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