There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
