I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
