you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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