Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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