someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
