If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
