so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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