i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
