I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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