You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
