Don't make out with my wife yet
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
