my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
