it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
