i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
