Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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