I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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