I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
