I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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