I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
