Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
