Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
