I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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