I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
