The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
