Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
