I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
