I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
