I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
