can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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