How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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